Journal of the girl with many names

[Lady Ciel Phantomhive]

This journal is mine. No one post here.

[Lady Ciel Phantomhive]

So, I been doing a lot of thinking. I am just a fucking dumbass. Idk why I allow people to get to me, or why I do what I do. People say I am using my disorders as an "excuse" for my actions. What they seem to not realize is that, it's why I act the way I do... If people knew about my past... would they think different of me? Would they treat me different? Would they help me through the rough times? Roleplaying. Something I sometimes wish I never did. Sometimes I wish I would have just, did my own thing. But I got into roleplaying... I'm not going to color this, because, what would be the point in coloring it? People don't understand, I guess... All I want, is to make friends... Sadly I cannot keep them. I am so surprised that I kept you guys this long. idk, am I just, using my illnesses as an excuse? Probably... I want people to be aware of people's illnesses. Like, think about it. Someone, you are or was talking too, could be your best friend... Without giving them a chance, you would never know....

Here is what has happened

Okay, so... A lot of you may or may not know me. This is my real life story. I don't really know who would read this, but.... I figured, I would, let you all know what I am like. Yeah, there was an issue with some people here. Yeah, I made a mistake of doing what I did, if you all heard or saw it. Yeah, I know sorry will not be enough to fix what I did. I just, want to let everyone know, just because someone you know, may have something, I have, doesn't mean it's the same. Different people, will have different... symptoms? if you can say it like that. I know this is the internet, but I feel like I need to speak up and, say what I think should be said. That is, I'm a fucking idiot, but, I have a heart of gold. I have helped many of my friends with being an ear to them... But I am a human and I made mistakes... Sometimes its hard for me to just move on, but there is always that part where, I want to fix what I messed up... What maybe easy for you, is hard for me. I just, felt the need to speak my mind out of character. I want to show, that with Borderline Personality Disorder, is not an excuse and different with different people. Its hard for me to differ RL with RP. Again, maybe easy for you, but hard for me... All I ask, is that one chance to fix and prove, I'm not that bad of a person... That I'm not... an attention seeker.

This is just, me speaking my mind and me wanting all to know... I'm so sorry for what I did, and I wish I can turn back time to where we all had a good time... I just felt so... Worthless, outcasted, and other bullshit due to what I went through before coming onto this site, but, I don't know who to talk too about it... Yes, I am seeking professional help, but he has a personality of a mop... But for a little highlight to the writer behind this girl... people may or may not hate. I am not looking for sympathy, hate, or told, "You shouldn't talk that way in your blog about your RL life." Well, you and I are not the same. I feel the need to express my thoughts and this is the way I want to do it... This is probably going to be a long blog, but, I feel it is needed. You can take this however you want. I am not here to hate anyone, I am not here to be hated. Yes, what I, again did, was wrong. I should have thought about it, but my mind, wanted to go into a different direction and there's nothing I really could have done, because of how my brain works.

Obviously, no one is the same, obviously, we all think differently. Yeah, people have that hard exterior, speaking what is on their mind without holding back, but there are people, who, cannot do that, for fear, they will lose all they consider friends. I wanted to take everything that was said to me and keep it in my thought. I did. I did what I thought was right, trying to follow what was asked or said, I should/shouldn't do. Yeah, friends come, and friends go. We all have those moments that we do... things that are, random and weird. i am sorry, if I am trying to be all like, "LOOK AT ME! I AM AN ATTENTION SEEKER LOOKING FOR PITTY!" which, I am not looking for pity. I just want my thoughts out there. I, again, am not seeking attention... I know I have said that over and over in this post, but... This is helpful for me to, express how I feel. I took everything in thought, which I should have done in the first place, but, my "excuse" got in the way. I say "excuse" with the marks, because I say, "My disorders, cause me to do this.." which isn't meant to be taken as a "oh, feel bad for me." It should be taken as, "Okay, calm yourself. Come back, talk about your thoughts, if you wish, and we can take a few steps into another direction."

My disorders include: Borderline Personality Disorder (Not sure how many knows what this is, but its pretty common, message if you want to know more about it.) Schizotypal disorder (Listed below), ADHD/ADD, PTSD, Bipolar, Chronic Depression.

Schizotypal personality disorder typically includes five or more of these signs and symptoms:

1. Being a loner and lacking close friends outside of the immediate family
   
2. Flat emotions or limited or inappropriate emotional responses
   
3. Persistent and excessive social anxiety
   
4. Incorrect interpretation of events, such as a feeling that something that is actually harmless or inoffensive has a direct personal meaning.
   
5. Peculiar, eccentric or unusual thinking, beliefs or mannerisms
   
6. Suspicious or paranoid thoughts and constant doubts about the loyalty of others
   
7. Belief in special powers, such as mental telepathy or superstitions
   
8. Unusual perceptions, such as sensing an absent person's presence or having illusions
   
9. Peculiar style of speech, such as vague or unusual patterns of speaking, or rambling oddly during conversations
   

I just, want things to be, understood of my actions. You, again, can hate me, delete me, block me, but I am going to speak my mind, like many others do. Think I'm an idiot if you want. Say, "Well, everyone has issues and shouldn't make you special. I have mental issues, but I take a break from shit. You should too." Or whatever. Showing awareness for these, disorders, over the internet, needs to be, brought to light because, you may, or may not, miss out on a person, that could be a true friend.

So, I am sure you all know me by now... I am sure, you all know what I have done. I'm sorry for all I did. Coming here, I thought I would make friends, have fun, get to know other k-pop/j-pop/c-pop and other Asian music fans. Of course, like most things. I fucked it up. But, I'm only human. I know what I do is, weird to others, but we all have those moments. We all have those times, where we need a friend... I am not asking for pity, or trying to get pity. I am simply idk, express my thoughts. Like, a normal human can, right? Yeah, I posted about my disorders. I vent to people I hardly know.... But that is all it was, venting. Like, if you need someone to talk too... I am here to listen and try to help in anyway I can. It sucks feeling alone... I feel alone... Does anyone reach out to me? Hardly. Like, I want this place to be full of more, love.

Idk why I am typing this, but, its just... I feel so alone and I see everyone having a good time. Yes, I know this is for fun and to make friends, but not everyone can differ, RL, and IC. It's hard... Very hard.... Mostly for someone like me... I try to explain my thoughts, I try to explain my feelings... but it only seems, to push people away... I understand people have a life, I understand that they can't get to all replies and that they may have a lot to write. I understand I need to reply to a person... Sorry if you are reading this... I'll get to it, promise. I know, no one will read this, but... I am deeply sorry.... For talking to anyone... for trying to make friends... for trying to be me when people tell me to be myself... I love Joon, and other folks that talk to me on discord... kinda... But I'm not a bad person... I try so hard, not to be a bad person...

Yes, I know I make a lot of accounts, but dammit, its because I have ideas... I have ideas for those accounts, but when I try to put it out there, it seems to crash. I try to add spam those that are active, to only get cut down because, I'm not part of the, friend group? I can write, I want to write more. I just... I just want things the way they used to be when I joined.... I want someone.... to understand the pain I have and is willing to let me express it without fear of losing them as a friend... This is all my RL feelings... I know... It's why I put it in the Real Life category. I sit here, crying because I just feel like, I should leave and let everyone have their fun, but I stay because of the friends I did make and keep.

I wanted to make an apology letter to all those I feel like I wronged in some way, but it won't be accepted. No matter what I write. I understand you guys want to escape the life we live in... Sometimes, someone has to have that one outlet, ya know. Again, I'm not looking for pity, sympathy  or anything else along those lines. Just, can we stop the fighting, the hating, the stupid bullshit? If the idols saw their fans, fighting each other and not doing what they promote, which is Love yourself, Love each other... They see fans fighting, it will just break their hearts. We are all here, because we love what they do and we love who they are. I think, it's just time to put all differences aside for once, and come together as a community. Come together as one. Come together... as a family. Not be separated by all this hate, or all this, pick and choose. We are all great writers and we all should be able to express ourselves regardless. The idols, they want us to join together and be a great community full of love and full of positivity... Why can't we be like that? Why can't we all get along and help one another when other's need it? Not bash them for their mental illnesses or for how they act. Calmly talk to the person, calmly approach them as a friend and not judge them or not try and get a better understanding..

Please, let's just, come together. Let's make this place as if our idols are watching. Not be separated like we are. We are here for the love we have for our idols... Let's help each other... Not fight... Not judge... Not push aside someone's venting. If anyone needs to vent, message me. I may have stress and shit in my life, but that don't mean I won't try my best, to be that friend you need. Let's stop the hate. Please. I don't hate anyone here. Please... Let's just... end the senseless fighting... We are all a family. We are all one.....